中高級寫作修改-001

英文寫作修改 - 線上英文學習家教

原文:

Ice Cream acts a love-brige roll dur­ing my par­ents and me; it sym­bols some­thing changes bet­ter. Today I was encour­aged from my Mom about my hand-made busi­ness after invit­ing her to be a back­ground-sup­port­er. Then She asked me for using coupon and bring­ing all Roy­al Horn of High-life as much as pos­si­ble with NT200 cash.
PM11:50, Father and I was breath­ing fresh night air with­in her wish unfail­ing­ly, and we enjoyed the sweet fam­i­ly roll together.

REPLY1

1. 扮演…的角色是用play…role, 像扮演一個重要的角色就用­play an impor­tant role,不然就要用act as 扮演著,我想妳是要說在妳和父母之間扮演著一座愛的橋樑, 這裡love得改成形容詞lov­ing, 所以可以寫成acts as a lov­ing bridge,

2. 在妳和妳父母之間三者以上用a­mong, during後面要接的是一段時間,像是暑假期間during the sum­mer vaca­tion, 所以這裡要用的是a­mong my par­ents and me.

3. sym­bol­一般當名詞用, 所以這裡妳要用sym­bol­ize (象徵著), 事情的轉變英文一般用be­come, 並且建議使用現在完成式(have/has+ p.p.)來強調 “事情已經變好並持續著” 所以這句可以寫成it sym­bol­izes some­thing has become better. 

4. 第二句妳被媽媽鼓勵要用­by my mom, 這句太長了, 雖然看得懂, 文法也大致沒問題, 但還是建議把它改得俐落一點, 當然, 必須符合妳的原意, 以下擇一, 
(1) Today my mom encour­aged me by sup­port­ing my hand-made business.
(2) Today I was encour­aged by my mom for she is will­ing to sup­port my hand-made business.

5. 接下來要買冰淇淋是吧?!ask+人+ to+ V. 叫某人做某事, 所以這句應寫成asked me to use coupons to buy Roy­al Horns as many as pos­si­ble with­in 200 dol­lars from High Life (萊爾富對吧?).

6. 最後一句寫的好像在寫小說情境喔!!呵呵!!厲害!!那個roll應該指的是上面提到的角色吧→ role! 其實改成lov­ing bridge更有感覺喔!! 還有這句妳用過去進行式開頭,結果後面and之後卻回到過去式, and是對等連接詞,所以要用相同的型態! 對我而言with­in her wish unfailingly有點多餘了,因為妳後面就說一起吃,就不需要這句, 還有fresh night air…晚上11:50當然是night air…這也多餘了,不過看的出妳很浪漫啦!!這句直接說That night, the three of us enjoyed the fresh air and the sweet fam­i­ly lov­ing bridge together.

所以總整理如下:
Ice cream acts as a lov­ing bridge among my par­ents and me. It sym­bol­izes some­thing has become bet­ter. Today I was encour­aged by my mom for she is will­ing to sup­port my hand-made busi­ness. Then she asked me to use coupons to buy Roy­al Horns as many as pos­si­ble with­in 200 dol­lars from High Life. Final­ly, the three of us enjoyed the fresh air and the sweet fam­i­ly “lov­ing bridge” together.

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